Good morning,
‘Tis the season to watch a bunch of stuff, and I’ve been doing that a lot. Over the last two weeks I’ve streamed a handful of comedy specials, mostly partial viewing–Pete Holmes, Leo Reich, Greg Gulman–as well as some buzzworthy movies: “Past Lives,” “Bottoms,” “AKA Mr. Chow” and “Funny Pages.” (I also saw “The Holdovers” and “Dream Scenario” in the theater, both excellent.)
Each of these movies deal with all kinds of humanity and the many plights and joys of being alive. I’d recommend them all. But the one that’s sticking with me most is “Funny Pages,” a 2022 dark comedy that could have have been made in the 90s (think Todd Solandz’s “Welcome to the Dollhouse”). Spoiler alert: if you want to watch this film, skip ahead to the paragraph beginning “As I get…” In a wild climactic scene that takes place on Christmas at the protagonist's family home, one character turns to another and screams: “You’re obsessed with my failure!”
The screamer is a failed Gen X-type who once worked for a revered comic books company; the one being screamed at is a rich kid with a ton of talent and ambition who hired the older man to give him an illustration lesson.
I’ve been thinking about this line a lot since I watched the film, and I wondered who was actually obsessed with the man’s failure: himself or the kid. And then I think: what does it even mean to be obsessed with one’s failure?
As I get older it becomes more apparent that life does not go the way I think it will. Not for me or for anyone else. The more I try to hold on to what I think my life should look like, the more obsessed I become with things going my way or not. And that’s not a good place for me to be. Many times life goes better than I think it will, other times I navel gaze and stew and think… is this really how it’s supposed to go? Especially when it comes to how I think my professional life should have unfolded, I often lament that I’m not as far along (whatever that means) as I envisioned.
I checked my text messages while writing this morning, which I generally abstain from so as not to divert my attention. At the end of a little exchange with a buddy, he wrote:
“Ah man can you do me a quick favor?”
I thought, oh lord, what’s he going to ask me to do… I responded:
“maybe? sup”
He replied:
“Can you be kind to my friend Matt today? Give him a break? He’s trying his best.”
I laughed out loud and smiled big. What a perfect thing to hear as I’m writing about obsession with failure and struggling to articulate why that line hit me so hard.
Two years ago I was blocked on even writing one weekly letter; now it’s the fabric of my creative life. Today I’ll celebrate that fact that I’ve written every week for almost two years. And today, on New Year’s Eve day, my 20-month-old son is sitting on my lap doing his two favorite things of late: watching “Peppa Pig” and eating bananas. We’re having fun together, just being and doing our respective things.
What can you celebrate from this past year? What “failure” can you let go of? Picture yourself in a year from now: What would you like to celebrate? What will you be grateful that you’ve let go of?
Until next time,
Matt
P.S. Thank you to those who respond to my weekly letters. If you’d like to turn your personal message to me into a public comment here, I would be very grateful!
P.P.S. I’m adding episodes of my podcast/audiocast to Spotify and Apple Podcasts. Please have a listen!
He failed with soul!
I agree with your fan Matt . You are doing a great job and the best you can now !!