Hello –
Most mornings after waking up, Whitney, our baby son, and I spend time laying atop the bed, playing, cuddling, and laughing. I watch in awe as he develops new movements, interests, and skills. The classic Bob Dorough song “Three is a Magic Number” occasionally runs through my mind during these moments. I sing the refrain to myself:
“A man and a woman had a little baby
Yes, they did
They had three in the family
And that's a magic number”
Made famous via Schoolhouse Rock, Dorough’s song lists many of the number three’s magical traits. A quick Google search succinctly explains its power, too, via the Welsh National Opera’s website:
“The ancient Greek philosopher, Pythagoras, postulated that the meaning behind numbers was deeply significant. In their eyes the number 3 was considered as the perfect number, the number of harmony, wisdom and understanding. It was also the number of time – past, present, future; birth, life, death; beginning, middle, end – it was the number of the divine.”
I was pleased to receive a text from a pickleball-playing friend the other morning that elucidated some of the magic of public courts apropos of the number three. She wrote:
This is a post from a pickleball group on Facebook. I can’t stop thinking about it:
“While playing at Allendale Park in Pasadena yesterday and observing the crowd, I was struck (again) by how friendly and familial everybody was. People from all walks of life were discussing and sharing. And then it occurred to me that recently I read something on Reddit that the share of Americans that have no close friends has been rising for 30 years. This statistic is partly due to distancing caused by social media and technology. But one commenter wrote that it is also due to the decline of the traditional ‘third place.’ So I will paraphrase the comment here. What is a third place? A third place is somewhere that's not home or work. For whatever reason, traditional third places have been in decline. Traditional third places such as social clubs, churches, bars/pubs, malls, and coffee shops don't function as third places as well as they used to. They have become overly politicized, commercialized, or capitalized. How many places can the average person go anymore without the expectation that they spend money and leave?”
Many clients come to me depressed. Flattened by their personal or professional problems. They say they want and need external connections and more reasons to get out of their house and out of their head. Recently, I’ve started to recommend pickleball as an antidote.
When I became a certified pickleball instructor, some friends told me that I could meld my pickleball instruction and life coaching practice. I would jokingly reply that the skills needed to learn pickleball are essentially the same skills we discuss in life coaching, except we get to enact them in real time in game form. Some friends and peers still laugh when they learn I play this sport with a quirky name; most are perplexed when they find out I teach it. But once they play, the experience usually shifts their perspective of the game.
My first time playing pickleball was in San Clemente, CA, at San Gorgonio Park. I was excited. Though I loved playing sports as a kid and into early adulthood, I hadn’t played a sport in many years. My mom’s friend Mike was going to teach my dad and me the basics to get us playing. The energy radiating from the courts was palpable. Pop music boomed from a bassy bluetooth speaker; countless thwacks and laughs and fast-talking by dozens of happy people sprinkled the sky. As I approached the courts, with the grand Pacific looming behind the hilltop complex, I was terrified. What if I screw up and everyone laughs at me?
Without knowing it then, I was entering what has become a third place. The kindness I was met with, the inclusivity, the people not caring that it was my first day out there and their willingness to play with me even though I stunk… it was magic. A place outside of home and work where the playful, intellectual, social, competitive, and physical sides of me could exist at once.
My friend also texted me this via the Pasadena Facebook commenter:
“Ray Oldenburg's The Great Good Place, published in 1989, defines the characteristics of an ideal third place.
Neutral Ground: The space is for anyone to come and go without affiliation with a religion, political party, or in-group.
Level Ground: Political and financial status doesn't matter there.
Conversation: The primary purpose of the location is to converse and be social.
Accessible: The third place is open and available to everyone and the place caters to the needs and desires of the community that frequents it.
Regulars: On a nightly or at least weekly basis the same cast of people rotate in and out, contributing to the sense of community.
Unassuming: Third places aren't regal or imposing. They're home-like and serve the function of a home away from home for the patrons.
Lack of Seriousness: Third places are a place to put aside personal or political differences and participate in a community. Joking around and keeping the mood light is a big part of the "public house" experience.
Third Place as Home: A third place must take on multiple elements of the home experience including a feeling of belonging, safety, coziness, and a sense of shared ownership. A successful third place has visitors saying ‘this is our space and I feel at home here.’
Public pickleball courts tick all the boxes. (Even a private home pickleball court fails the test although we all fantasize about having one in our backyard.) The popularity of pickleball is due in part to a public pickleball court being a perfect third place. (I would argue that tennis courts and basketball courts fulfill the same function but are less accessible to older players, making them less than perfect.) On top of that, pickleball is healthy, active and skill-based. What's not to love??! I also play [in other towns] often and the vibe at the courts is the same; warm and inviting. It's common to see people smiling while playing and conversing while waiting for the next match. Imagine that happening all over the country every day.”
My main third place for many years has been 12-Step meetings. Many of the dynamics listed above apply. I frequently find myself saying that pickleball is like a 12-Step meeting in sport form. Only at a meeting or on the pickleball court have I seen adult strangers connect so quickly; it’s common to get someone’s phone number the first time meeting them and there’s a willingness to stay in connection to meet up again, same time, same place, or find another opportunity to do so. Life expands exponentially in both environments.
Another way to describe the third place is that it’s a “come-as-you-are party.” There’s no need to impress anyone with looks or skills and there’s no requirement to be there – but it’s better for all if you show up. Oldenburg writes on page 40:
“The third place cannot enforce the regularity of appearance of the individual, as can home or work. A woman from Arizona related to me an account of her third place while she was a single working woman in Chicago. It illustrates the expectations that emerge among third place regulars. She and several others had become friends out of the mutual accessibility and appeal offered by a corner drugstore and its short-order food service. ‘The store was more home than where we all lived,’ she said, ‘in the resident hotels, apartments, YWCA, or whatever. If one of the group missed a day, that was all right. If we didn’t see someone for two days, someone went to check and make sure the person was all right.’”
Such is the third place. People notice when you’re there and when you’re not, yet there’s no pressure, no enforcement or obligation to be there like work or home. However, we must act in a way that serves the greater good of the place. In order to enjoy the place, I am sometimes forced to be a kinder, gentler, more social version of myself than I would be at home or work.
I asked my friend who texted me the Pasadena pickleball post what some of her other third places were. She wrote back: “Tennis is a third place but lacks the spontaneity and inclusiveness of pickleball. Book club is my other third place.” Though third places don’t have rules, there are of course social norms that are required to keep them going. One person can sour the experience for many others. My friend continued, “I was in a book club for more than 15 years. A new person joined the group and she was abrasive and dominated the conversation. She ruined one of the tenets of the third place—I no longer felt safe and at home. I hardly spoke any more. We spent a lot of time trying to figure out how to deal with the situation and ended up disbanding with the idea that we would reconvene without her at a later date. We have not met for about six months. I reached out yesterday to say let’s get back together. It was a really good third place for me and met all the requirements.”
Of course Oldenburg writes of the third place being outside of the home, however in today’s society, third places can exist on Zoom, too. While an ersatz version for me personally, depending on one’s availability, a third place on Zoom is better than nothing. It can be a good start to build community and bring more joy into one’s life. Whether in-person or online, we have to show regularly to experience the lasting benefits. And for me to not get overwhelmed, I remind myself that I showed up (or returned) only one instance at a time. On page 34 of his book Oldenburg writes:
“Every regular was once a newcomer, and the acceptance of newcomers is essential to the sustained vitality of the third place. Acceptance into the circle is not difficult, but it is not automatic either.”
He then lists the order of ease of being accepted into the third place: 1) the person returning after an absence, 2) a newcomer accompanying a regular, 3) a couple or group of newcomers, and 4) lastly a lone newcomer. If a friend is already a part of a group that appeals to you, ask them to tag along, or bring a friend to join you for the first time. This could make it easier to show up the first time. However, Oldenburg believes that the lone newcomer will, over time, be most likely to become a regular. Showing up solo, while perhaps the scariest method, is like getting tossed into the deep end. It’s sink or swim. He writes on page 35:
“Viewed from a newcomer’s vantage point, third place groups often seem more homogeneous and closed to outsiders than they are. Those not yet a part of them seldom suspect their abundant capacity to accept variety into their ranks.”
“Trust [of the newcomer] grows with each visit. Mainly, one simply keeps reappearing and tries not to be obnoxious. Of these two requirements for admission or acceptance, regularity of attendance is clearly the more important.”
The more I show up, whether it’s to a third place environment or even to my laptop to do my work, the trust builds in myself. I believe that others begin to trust me the more I trust myself. And the way I gain trust in myself isn’t by how well others respond to me or how well I play, but in my willingness to keep showing up and not be totally obnoxious. Simple as that!
What’s a third place that has existed for you? Is one lacking in your life today? If you’re not sure where to start, I recommend finding open pickleball play at an outdoor court near you. And if you’re in a colder climate, local rec centers generally have open play and/or beginner’s classes. It might just get you out of your head and into your body, out of your troubles and into the world, even for just an hour a week. And whether or not you like the game, I believe you will be welcomed with enthusiasm, grace, and support. And who couldn’t benefit from that?
Until next time,
Matt
P.S. I’m adding episodes of my podcast/audiocast to Spotify and Apple Podcasts. Please have a listen!