The Story I Tell Myself About Myself
Amit Majmudar, Michael Singer, Integrity/Ego/Consciousness and more...
Good morning,
One of the best takes on the word “ego” I ever heard was “the story I tell myself about myself.” I laughed aloud when I heard someone say this. I found it funny because the majority of the stories I tell myself about myself, relating to where I should be at this phase in my life, haven’t materialized. And the things that are true, the many unpredicted stories that have materialized, are ones I never would have or could have planned.
Lately I’ve pondered the varied layers of integrity (“the quality of being honest and having strong moral principles; moral uprightness; the state of being whole and undivided”) and how abiding by this supreme value can shape one’s life and relationships. Knowing my recent thoughts, a friend sent me a message attached to chapter 8 from Michael Singer’s book The Untethered Soul. (I haven’t yet read the chapter so I’m not sure if the ensuing quote is from the chapter or if my friend wrote it.) Here’s the message my friend sent:
“Integrity is about living from a place of consciousness rather than ego. It is about being aware of our thoughts and emotions without being controlled by them. This awareness allows us to respond to life’s challenges with wisdom and compassion, rather than reacting with fear and anger.”
How do I know if I’m living from consciousness rather than ego? I sat with this question for a bit and came to one simple interpretation: consciousness is my actual lived experience, ego is the story I tell myself I should be having. My mom and I spoke briefly this weekend about things never happening linearly and just when we think they might be, they don’t and we’re reminded again that our lives unfold in a non-linear fashion.I think non-linear experiences pertain to consciousness and not ego.
Years ago when I went through a major life transition, a friend framed a poem by Amit Majmudar, called “Pattern and Snarl,” and gave it to me as a gift. I saw it hanging up in my basement the other day and thought it relates well to the above quote:
Pattern and Snarl
Life likes a little mess. All patterns need a snarl.
The best patterns know how best to heed a snarl.Every high style, every strict form was once nonce.
The best way to save a snagged pattern? Repeat the snarl.Eden used to snow in fractals, rain in syncopated runs.
Adam never imagined he would hear its seedlings snarl.Tug the wrong thread, and your wool sweater vanishes at once.
Death pulls at a wisp of us—and just like that, it’s freed the snarl.What is it about order that we love? This sense,
Maybe, that a secret informs the pattern?Is it a toddler’s joy in doing things again?
Is it the entropy in us that warms to pattern?I never intended this line to rhyme on again again.
Then again, sometimes it's the snarl that adorns the pattern.
Sometimes it’s the snarl that adorns the pattern. Usually when I think something’s happening to me, in hindsight I can see that that thing happened for me. Encountering the snarl, or living outside the story I tell myself about myself, is often painful at first. Yet, as time goes on, it becomes what makes my life uniquely beautiful.
What’s a recent snarl in your life? How has it altered the pattern, or the story you tell yourself about yourself?
Until next time,
Matt