'Pain, Uncertainty, Constant Work'
More "Stutz," Jonah Hill, Tara Isabella Burton, Traci Bank Cohen, Eva Illouz, and more...
Good morning –
One of my biggest challenges is to stick to my values and not let negative thinking or spontaneous feelings get in the way of what I really want to do.
Late on Friday night, after four micro-viewings over the course of a week, Whitney and I finally finished “Stutz” – Jonah Hill’s 90-minute documentary about his LA-based therapist, Phil Stutz (who, along with his colleague Barry Michels, are therapists to many movie stars, according to Google). The film shares principles and frameworks that Stutz uses with his clients – which he calls The Tools – including Part X, String of Pearls, Grateful Flow, and a resounding concept that serves as a throughline: “No matter how successful you become, no one is ever free from pain, uncertainty, and constant work. No one.”
I felt a pit in my stomach when I read “constant work.” My first instinct is to think of work as a conventional 40+ hour-a-week job. And I am not doing that right now. I then start to question: am I doing it all wrong according to Stutz’s methodology? Then I realize that Stutz doesn’t qualify what the “work” is, just that it’s constant. Making the bed, brushing one’s teeth, folding laundry… writing, reading… childcare, errands… meditating, self-reflection, phone calls with friends and family… coaching, speaking with prospective clients… all work. Am I doing it all right? All wrong? Who’s to say?
For one thing, I feel fairly certain that having tools and knowing things are no substitute for human connection or required action to move through negative thoughts and states of being. Personal truths are ever-evolving in the face of shifting wants, needs, feelings, commitments, and goals. If I try to figure all of this out in my head, there’s very little peace of mind or constructive forward movement. That’s why therapists have therapists, doctors have doctors, coaches have coaches. In fact, Jonah Hill, throughout the course of the film, helps Stutz break through a decades-long personal issue in a way that transcends the therapist’s own profound knowledge of the inner workings of the psyche. While the cynical part of me wonders about the purity of this aspect of the storyline, it’s powerful and beautiful to witness Stutz’s breakthrough nonetheless.
As we watched the film, whenever Stutz would introduce a new tool via an illustrated notecard, I’d turn to Whitney and say things like: “This makes so much sense.” “I’m doing so many of these things!” “There’s so much more to learn and do…” Hill makes an interesting point at the top of the film, something like (paraphrasing here): “I want a therapist to tell me what to do but they always just listen; I want friends to just listen but they always tell me what to do!” Stutz flips the conventional therapeutic approach and tells his clients, or at least Hill, specifically what to do. He guarantees that if Hill does what he says, he’ll get better. I thought maybe I should just watch this film a couple times a month instead of paying for therapy or coaching.
One of Stutz’s most memorable tools is a pyramid with three sections. The bottom section – the foundation – represents the physical. Stutz says that 85% of one’s well-being will improve by exercise, healthy-ish eating, and getting enough sleep. The middle section is relational (10%), and Stutz says that how I act in a given relationship (i.e. getting lunch with a friend, a phone call with a relative) is a microcosm of how I relate to all people. Maybe I have a fractured friendship with Jane and owe her an apology for how I treated her. But if I’m at lunch with Mary – and Jane’s estranged from me and living on the other side of the country – how I treat and relate to Mary right now is what matters and contributes to well-being, hence better versions of ourselves for other relationships, too. Finally, at the top of the pyramid, is self (5%). To tap into one’s self, Stutz encourages people simply to journal a little bit every day to get clear about how they’re thinking and feeling. (I’m writing all of this based on memory of one viewing of the film… please excuse any interpretive errors).
Now, if I could just will myself to put my phone away or stop watching Abbott Elementary on my iPad and get into bed before 9:00 p.m., or make steamed broccoli and salmon instead of ordering Thai food (again), or always be kind to Whitney instead of letting self-judgment come out sideways at her… I’d be all set! In fact, Stutz’s website has all of the tools outlined and available for use… I can just print them out, use them every day, and never need to speak with a therapist or coach again!
I thought about the differences between reading, watching, or learning about therapeutic support versus actually receiving one-on-one help as I read a recent article, titled “The Problem With Letting Therapy-Speak Invade Everything.” According to the author, Tara Isabella Burton, “If the language of the internet is anything to go by, America’s collective mental health is in shambles.” Burton believes that our “current cultural trend toward solipsism, masquerading as ‘self-care’ and acting solely on feeling are roadblocks to true happiness and societal progress.” She writes:
“It’s not just that this Instagram therapy gives its adherents a convenient excuse to bail on dinner parties or silence our phones when friends text us in tears. Rather, it’s that according to this newly prevalent gospel of self-actualization, the pursuit of private happiness has increasingly become culturally celebrated as the ultimate goal. The “authentic” self — to use another common buzzword — is characterized by personal desires and individual longings. Conversely, obligations, including obligations to imperfect and often downright difficult people, are often framed as mere unpleasant circumstance, inimical to the solitary pursuit of our best life. Feelings have become the authoritative guide to what we ought to do, at the expense of our sense of communal obligations.”
I glean many things from Burton’s article, including the acknowledgement that identifying, listening to, and using emotions to inform one’s life decisions are very important. However, when sifting through complex feelings and decisions in a vacuum, it can create problems if we’re solely relying on the internet to be our feedback loop and not an actual human, whether it’s a friend or a professional.
Burton quotes a professor of sociology named Eva Illouz, who writes:
“‘We have withdrawn to a highly subjectivist form of individualism. This means that our emotions have become the moral ground for our actions.’ The prevailing mentality, Dr. Illouz [says], is: ‘I feel something, therefore I am entitled to make this demand’ or ‘to withdraw from a relationship.’”
When dealing with trauma or significant life decisions in which we need outside help, Burton writes (and bolsters her thoughts with expertise from another therapist):
“It’s important for clinicians to help patients differentiate between how they’re experiencing something and ‘if that experience is actually being triggered by their own past trauma,’ said Traci Bank Cohen, a Los Angeles-based psychologist. [Cohen] draws a distinction between validating a patient’s feelings — making the person feel listened to with compassion and care — and affirming a false reality.”
I’m just as guilty as anyone when it comes to thinking that knowledge will solve all my problems. I think if I just read more, ingest more ideas and concepts, have the biggest spiritual and accomplishment-oriented toolkit available, I will be okay and feel okay about everything I’m up to. I can handle this over here all by myself, thank you very much. I also fall prey to the idea that if I feel something, it must always be true; or that my feelings of what I perceive to be comfort are paramount to cultivating or forging relationships with significant people or institutions in my life. Always trust my gut feelings… even if they get in the way of principles or values.
Yet I continue to work with a coach and therapist a couple times per month as well as a variety of writing and creativity consultants on an on-going basis. Why? Is it just to throw away money and think I can pay other people to fix me? Is it because most of my friends now have kids or have moved out of state, do I have to pay people to listen, advise, offer insights, counsel, etc.? As I continued reading Burton’s article, a reason I continue to invest in working with outside help (besides the fact that if I commit to something by paying for it, I usually take it seriously and utilize it) became clearer. Burton continues:
“It is easy to be cynical about the proliferation of therapy culture and the attendant self-focus it promotes. But I believe the growing popularity of therapy discourse is less about generational or cultural selfishness than it is about a cultural hunger: the shared need for a framework to talk about the questions foundational to our existence as human beings and a shared sense that the good life relies on more than just our material circumstances.”
My mind pretty much always slips into the idea that if I just get everything I want from a material standpoint, I will feel okay inside. Even though I’ve experienced this to be untrue many, many times, I still can’t shake this core belief. And I come by it honestly – as I believe we all do – because it’s the prevailing message of our society: get that car, that house, that partner, that job, that record deal, those kids… voila! Internal, everlasting peace, freedom and joy. And yes, these things can bring peace and joy, however as Stutz reminds us over and over in the film, the reality for us all, regardless of success or status, etc. is “pain, uncertainty, and constant work.”
For now I believe that the results of getting help from a therapist, coach, business consultant, or even a conversation with a loved one, aren’t to live siloed off in ease and comfort, but to be a more expansive version of ourselves for the people around us. The pandemic pushed many people into caves of isolation; some thrived there while others crumbled. As we migrate back into a world of more opportunities for connection, I agree with Burton’s concluding words:
“It is precisely that rejection of our communal lives that makes therapy culture — at least the version of it on social media and in wellness advertisements — such an imperfect substitute. The idea that we are ‘authentic’ only insofar as we cut ourselves off from one another, that the truest or most fundamental parts of our humanity can be found in our desires and not our obligations, risks cutting us off from one of the most important truths about being human: We are social animals. And while the call to cut off the ‘toxic’ or to pursue the mantra of ‘live your best life,’ or ‘you are enough’ may well serve some of us in individual cases, the normalization of narratives of personal liberation threaten to further weaken our already frayed social bonds. ‘We are a relational species,’ Dr. Cohen noted, adding that we need connection to really thrive and survive.’ It turns out that we may not be enough — at least not on our own. We need a shared cultural narrative that reflects that fact.”
The long-term and lasting impact of what’s available to us in relational settings, and showing up as our best selves in these contexts, will not come as a result of thinking or feeling a certain way – but rather from acting. As my pursuit of moving through the world in an authentic and meaningful way to best serve my inner desires and principles, as well my inner circle of loved ones and society as a whole, I find that I need more outside support, not less. What a relief.
If you’re interested in getting more support now, I am taking on new clients. Contact me to test-drive a 50-minute coaching session. And if you want to expand your network of support even more, I’m starting an accountability coaching group starting in January 2023. You can register here: https://tinyurl.com/baronaccountabilitygroup.
Until next time,
Matt
P.S. I’m adding episodes of my podcast/audiocast to Spotify and Apple Podcasts. Please have a listen!