A Glint in the Eye
My friend Larry, Agnes De Mille, Martha Graham, Elizabeth Gilbert, and more...
Good morning,
I recently finished Christie Tate’s excellent new memoir B.F.F., and the concept of friendship remains top of mind. When I think of my friends with whom I have regular contact, I’m aware that our initial connection was prompted over a shared interest, activity, or proximity. Yet one friend initially drew me in with an abstract, almost ephemeral quality: the glint in his eye.
My friend Larry is one of the wisest people I know. We talk almost every Wednesday morning for 30 minutes. When we met in November 2019, we’d chat at a diner each week for an hour. Then, at the onset of the pandemic, we switched to FaceTime and truncated our talk time. Now that both of us are on the go again, we generally speak by phone while I’m en route to an appointment. Though the means and topics of our talks have evolved, we’ve continued to prioritize this standing conversation. It’s a highlight of my week, and the consistency anchors me as life changes every day.
Last week I told him that it wasn’t what he said, what he wore, or what he did for a living that made me want to connect with him – it was his comportment. His kind, attentive, and sparkly eyes emanated a deep well of inner joy. I wanted to know what this guy was up to in order to become this way. (I also told him that I’d decided right then on our call that I’d write about him for my letter this week, about the glint in his eye. He laughed and thanked me. He laughed again when I read to him the first definition of “glint in the eye” that came up when I searched it on my phone: “If you have a glint in your eye, your eyes shine with excitement or because you are going to do something bad: ‘She had a wicked glint in her eye.’” The actual definition, which I hadn’t read to him, is more on point: “a tiny bright flash of light” and “a trace of emotion expressed through the eyes.”)
While a conventionally successful person (longtime marriage, children, grandchildren, business owner, active lifestyle), I’ve discovered that Larry’s tank is filled by his quest to perpetually incorporate art and spiritual growth into his life as well as in the lives of his spouse and family. He casually throws in how he and his wife recently visited a museum, or went to the Goodman, or watched an arthouse movie. Larry has many great stories, too, including one when he took his family whitewater rafting about a decade ago. As the guide led the group down an especially scary rapid (one in which Larry and just one or two other people from the tour group opted to try), Larry recalled the wisdom in the approach by the expert tour guide: don’t let the speed of the river, the cacophonous rapids, or the size and volume of the rocks overcome you. Feel the fear. It’s okay. Just stay in your raft, let your body relax, and trust. The river knows where you need to go; it will carry you through the scary adventure and onto the other side into safer, calmer waters. You will be better for it, having traversed this scary ride.
Larry also replies to most of my newsletters with encouraging words. He wrote last week:
Matt
Thanks for this and the encouragement to stay with one’s creative instincts.
I know I sent the attachment to you previously, but I couldn’t help thinking about it.
Cheers!!!
Larry
Here’s what he attached:
A Letter to Agnes De Mille from Martha Graham
There is a vitality,
a life force,
a quickening
that is translated through you into action,
and because there is only one of you in all time,
this expression is unique.
And If you block it, it will never exist through any other medium and be lost.
The world will not have it. It is not your business to determine
how good it is
nor how valuable it is
nor how it compares with other expressions.
It is your business to keep it yours clearly and directly
to keep the channel open.
You do not even have to believe in yourself or your work.
You have to keep open and aware directly to the urges that motivate YOU.
Keep the channel open…
No artist is pleased…
There is no satisfaction whatever at anytime
There is only a queer, divine dissatisfaction
a blessed unrest that keeps us marching
and makes “us” MORE alive than the others.
– Martha Graham
I love many of this letter’s sentiments. Others I’m not sure if I agree with 100%, particularly the line that “there is no satisfaction whatever at any time” or that “blessed unrest makes ‘us’ more alive.” But these are the lines I do relate to regarding my own recent creative pursuits:
“There is a vitality, a life force, a quickening that is translated through you into action, and because there is only one of you in all time, this expression is unique.
You do not even have to believe in yourself or your work. You have to keep open and aware directly to the urges that motivate YOU.”
I read the book Big Magic by Elizabeth Gilbert in Fall 2018. I felt a spiritual high while reading it that lasted for weeks (just ask anyone I was in regular contact with around that time). I can’t remember what parts lit me up exactly, but I recall an anecdote that contradicts this line of the Graham letter:
“And If you block it, it will never exist through any other medium and be lost. The world will not have it.”
Considering how long it’s been since I read Big Magic and that I don’t own a copy, I went to ChatGPT to jog my memory about this section of the book. Within seconds I got this:
Me: what's the part in elizabeth gilbert's book big magic when she decides not to write a certain book and then another famous author has the same idea as her and writes it?
ChatGPT: In Elizabeth Gilbert's book "Big Magic," she talks about an idea for a novel that she had been carrying around with her for years. She had done some research and gathered some notes for the story, but for some reason, she just couldn't get herself to write it.
One day, she had a conversation with a friend who happened to mention that she had an idea for a novel that sounded strikingly similar to Gilbert's. Gilbert was initially filled with a sense of jealousy and panic, feeling like she had missed her chance to write the book she had been dreaming about for so long.
However, she ultimately came to the realization that ideas are not exclusive to individuals, and that they are essentially floating around in the universe, waiting for someone to grab onto them and bring them to life.
Gilbert decided to let go of her fear and give up on the idea of writing that particular novel. She later learned that another author had written a book with a similar plot, but Gilbert did not regret her decision. She knew that there were infinite ideas out there, and she trusted that she would find another one that was just as compelling.
I won’t marvel at how awesome this search went, but I do want to acknowledge how I agree with both camps here. Partly that the ideas are mine. And they might only exist through me. But there is a chance that if I don’t get the idea out, I could see its existence someday and feel a strange sense: “Hey, that was my idea… I intended to make that!” Therefore the motivation to make and share can be paradoxical: it won’t exist unless I make it, and I better make it before someone else does. Double the reason to keep making whatever I feel compelled to do.
Thanks to Larry being the way he is, I have his wisdom and kindness as a springboard for all sorts of thoughts, creative ideas, and actions I want to take as I continue down the river. As spring approaches and we’re out and about more and more, I encourage you: who in your orbit has a comportment that resonates with you? Who has some big magic percolating in their spirit, a glint in their eye so striking that you have to ask: can we be friends?
Until next time,
Matt
BONUS :) Here are two powerful articles I recently read that I won’t get around to using in a letter:
Rituals by Seth Godin (a short blog)
Why Everyone Feels Like They’re Faking It by Leslie Jamison (a looooong New Yorker article)